Plus some more.. if you wish to read on..

I see cancer in some ways, looking at it as optimistically as possible, as a blessing. God or whoever is up there looking down on us has given me this disease for a reason, whether it be to teach me a lesson or for me to teach others the lesson I’m not quite sure of, but I believe I’ve been given it so that I don’t take advantage of life so much and I start being healthy and looking after my body, and also, that I create awareness of a serious life threatening and often fatal disease to the wider sometimes narrow minded communities.

To be honest, even when my Grandfather had bowel cancer at 60, I had little to know understanding of what exactly was going on, and okay so I was young, but really I had the ability to learn about it I just decided to take it for what it was. And a lot of people do that, they accept that they have it and they begin the treatment that the medical doctors prescribe. But why just do that, why not expand and look outside the square and try alternative therapies, yoga, herbs, acupuncture, when the outlook is bleak, anything is worth a try.

You know what, lifes funny, one minute you’re on top of the world the next you’re a worthless heap of self pity with extreme anxiety making yourself sick to the stomach worrying about things that are out of your control. You try so hard to be someone you’ve always promised yourself you’d be but fell so shockingly short that no one was surprised when you did. You can relate everything you do to one bad part of your life and then once it begins everything revolves around it until your stomach churns for some relief.

You do things you’d not normally do, make stupid mistakes and say stupid things, the one girl who you’d finally let your heart go for, the girl that made you fall incredibly hard, you feel the thud a thousand times as worse when you tell her that maybe it’s not working and you don’t think she can handle it. It hasn’t even begun and the stress is starting to take it’s toll on the both of you.

You know it’s love when the bottom of your stomach tells you what you’re saying when you’re trying to be compassionate and let her go is not the right thing to be saying, but you’re not following your stomach, you’re following your head, she doesn’t deserve anything like this for she’s beautiful in every way possible.

What do you do in this kind of circumstance?

Love is a very funny thing, some people say you can’t know what it is after such a short time but I turn my nose up to that opinion, love can’t be measured with time, or distance or anything, love measures itself, you just know, you get that funny feeling in your stomach when you know you’re going to see her soon, or when you’re talking about her, you long to touch her lips when you see her again and you can’t imagine life would be quite the same without her there to share it with.

I’ve shared my life with few, truly opened up to so very few, but when you believe someone’s the one how do you tell them that you don’t want to break their hearts.

The day before you’re about to take the step to settling into chemotherapy once again and the anxiety feels like it’s going to kill me long before any cancer will. My mind going a million miles an hour with my stomach churning twice that speed, and I’m seriously questioning my courage and whether or not I can do this a second time around.

And if I can, what are my reasons for it am I really doing it for me, or for everyone else, because I remember promising myself that I would never get chemotherapy again regardless of the extent of its return.

As strange as it sounds I think I always knew it would be back, it was just a matter of when, I was happy to of made it to my 18^th birthday and I made it to 19 so that’s at least a pretty good milestone.

I’d be happy to make it to 21, and then to have some kids and see them get to that age too, but I guess its natural selection, and maybe I wasn’t supposed to make it past 20.

How negative are those thoughts you say, well they aren’t, I’m positive that I will put in all the effort I can to beat this sucker, but realistically, and from a medical point of view, the chances aren’t in my favour.

I’m not afraid of dying; it’s the waiting for it to happen that scares the shit out of me.

Being faced with death every day is something that you become somewhat accustomed too, well as much as possible anyway, I think the days are easy, getting chemo pumped through your body and with nurses all around you in purple outfits stopping the potent ness of chemotherapy from entering their bodies. But it’s the night times that are bad, it’s the day before chemotherapy and I’ve come home from sizzler without a thought on my mind except sleeping off the extra 5 kgs I’ve just eaten, and I awake at 12.30 in desperate need of the toilet, once I get there your mind starts to wonder, it’s night time, you’re all alone, it’s so quiet you can’t hear a sound, and the thoughts that were suppressed in the back of your head, suddenly all rush out at once and fills your stomach with an uneasing anxiety. How do you get rid of it, you start feeling ill but it’s all in your mind, and you don’t know how on earth you’re going to get back to sleep, you crawl into bed and sip on some water and hold yourself. That’s the cancer, playing tricks with your mind.

My father said that it’s all in the mind, and I think a great deal of it is, before I found out I was sick I felt fine, I didn’t have any tiredness or much else, but then when you realize what is wrong with you, you start feeling the symptoms more often, I sometimes wonder that if I never found out that I had cancer, would my life just continue, and because my attitude never waivered would the cancer just go away, of course it’s a ridiculous assumption because it would overtake my body and I would eventually fade away, but wouldn’t it be great if it were so.